There are things in this world that sound amazing when you first think about them. Things that you are 100% certain that are going to blow you away with how goddamn amazing they are. Then you get those things and you are forever disappointed by them. Like cake, some things are lies. One of the worst lies that we have ever had to deal with, are those fucking edible panties. They are the worst fruit rollups in underwear form. Sticky, gross, too sweet, underwear that is not sexy. It’s not sexy for you, and its way not sexy for her. All three of us tried it out with our ladies and here, with names removed, are our disastrous results.
Couple 1: The Hair Problem
This particular couple is a fairly hairy couple. They’re not gross or anything, just, the manscaping and the ladyscaping isn’t always porn star close. This shouldn’t be a problem when dealing with things that are designed to go on the human body. It should extra not be a problem for something that is designed to go on under your clothes for any period of time.
Let’s just say that when he pulled them off of her more came free than the panties. She screamed, he nearly got kicked in the face and they ended their evening sitting up and watching reruns instead of getting busy. While there wasn’t any permanent damage, they both say they are never going to try it ever again. In their defense, the brand they bought said that it should be fine to wear for a little bit before use. A little bit does not include a fifteen-minute car ride.
Couple 2: The Stain Problem
The next unlucky pair bought their edible panties on a whim after they went out on one of those new couple adult spending sprees. You know the drill, get some money up, and invest in adult things like a crock pot and some new sheets. New sheets need to be broken in, so they swung into an adult store and got some new things to try out. The new things included some sexy looking panties that were supposed to taste like cherries. They rushed home, laid out the new sheets and she slid into the panties. Then they started getting down to business.
The first problem was that these liar pants did not taste anything like cherries. They tasted more like melted plastic and cough syrup. He powered through anyway, they spent the money on them. However, when they were done, what she noticed was that not only was there a strange sticky film on them both, but their sheets had a red stain, right where she had been. There was no getting the stain out.
Couple 3: The Breaking Problem
The last of us that tried these probably got off the best. The panties would not even get on the chick, at all. They cracked and broke pretty much immediately from getting out of the package. She tried to be gentle, putting them on slowly. And she tried to make sure that she took her time as she tied them. That didn’t seem to do any good. They didn’t even make it into the bedroom.